I have long enjoyed the movie “Fiddler on the Roof” particularly the sections that deal with arranged marriages. It was clear among that culture and time that sexual attraction while important to Tevia’s daughters, was culturally not even a consideration in the arrangement of marriages. Culturally, being attracted to the spouse was a blessing, if it occurred, not a condition for the marriage. Thus, the daughters singing earnestly… “as for me I wouldn’t holler if her were as handsome as anything…” It is also interesting that often, in marriages that began by arrangement, where sexual attraction was not a prerequisite to the union, love could still abound. That is expressed in Tevia and Golda’s song “Do You Love Me” wherein they realize that working together, raising children, serving each other, led to a true love, and while the fact that they eventually came to love one another was not essential to their union, still...for them it was “nice to know!”
A similar concept is captured in the words of Zipporah, who is speaking to Moses as portrayed in the epic film “The Ten Commandments.” Here is that exchange:
Zipporah : She was very beautiful, wasn't she? This woman of Egypt, who left her scar upon your heart. Her skin was white as curd, her eyes green as the cedars of Lebanon, her lips, tamarisk honey. Like the breast of a dove, her arms were soft... and the wine of desire was in her veins.
Moses : Yes. She was beautiful... as a jewel.
Zipporah : A jewel has brilliant fire, but it gives no warmth. Our hands are not so soft, but they can serve. Our bodies not so white, but they are strong. Our lips are not perfumed, but they speak the truth. Love is not an art to us. It's life to us….”
The belief that feeling sexually attracted is a requirement for fulfilling God’s divine command to multiply and replenish the earth is the result of a twisted, worldly emphasis on sex. The truth is there is so much more to relationships. Deep love in the form of Phileo and even better Agape, can bring greater joy, deeper fulfillment and more sustainable peace. Spouses filled with Phileo and Agape, can fulfill the measure of their creation without any need for sexual attraction, because their purpose, their focus, is to please and bless the other.
I once attended a seminar in which a Vietnam veteran spoke of his tragic injuries he received in combat from a phosphorus grenade that misfired. He had been grossly disfigured by the blast and burns. As part of his recovery he was moved to the United States, which meant his wife would be able to visit him. He told that as he was waiting for her to arrive at the medical center, the wife of his roommate, who had also been severely crippled by combat injuries, came in. She tossed their wedding ring on the bed, told him they were through and walked out. That awful scene filled him with dread, and he wished his wife would never have to see him again.
With great emotion he shared what happened when his wife did arrive. As his wife came into the room, she rushed to him and kissed the small area on his head that was not injured. He wept with joy that she still loved him. Thankfully sexual attraction had long since ceased being the core basis of their marriage if it ever was. They were knit by Phileo and were working toward Agape.
Sadly, I have observed among too many latter-day saints a tendency to see marriage as a license for sex. It is as if they believe that carnality and sensuality are legitimate means to satisfy selfish desires, as long as it is sought out under the bonds of the marriage covenant. That is pure fallacy.
Spouses should never look upon each other with lust .....period. Lust is the antithesis of Agape and the enemy to Phileo. Lust is based in selfish desire, carnality and sensuality and is never good, no matter who or what the target of the carnal desire may be. Lust is a bar to sanctification.
The words of God to the Children of Israel paint for me an apt description of lust in marriage, as the Lord through Moses, warned the men, (who God had commanded to sanctify themselves), to… “come not (at their) wives.” Exodus 19:14-15. You can just feel the lust-based drive God wanted them to avoid, couched within those descriptive words. Marriage was not an excuse for lust then, and it is not now.
Since one of our earthly tasks is to overcome the natural man, to put him off, it follows that marriage should be the means help us to put off the natural man, not a barrier to it. While human desire seeks to drag us into carnality, and selfishness, the Holy Spirit seeks to move us from Eros, to Phileo and eventually Agape. That is what King Benjamin meant when he taught us that we should “put off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love…Mosiah 3:19