A Father’s Perspective
“Mom always liked you best” was a famous line that was common in the 1960’s comedy specials featuring the Smothers Brothers.
I admit that as a child, even though I knew my parents loved all of us, in my childish understanding, colored by the culture of envy, I would at times wrongfully suppose that they favored one of my brothers over the rest of us.
When I became a father I was amazed and awed by how my capacity to love grew and expanded to equally cover each child that blessed our home. That love, and the experience of raising 8 children, have taught me things that have altered my perspectives about favoritism and the power and blessing of unconditional love.
I can honestly say the we do not have a favorite child.
The following are my thoughts on that issue.
My Favorite Color for a Banana Is Yellow
I used to frustrate my children when I would answer their question about what my favorite color was with the comment “It depends…my favorite color for a banana is yellow.” I would tell them that I could never appreciate or want to eat a blue banana.
My point was that asking the question about a favorite color seemed too one dimensional, too limiting, too myopic. I still see things that way. My favorite color for grass is the deep, rich, green grass we saw so often while living in Germany. Orange grass would seriously disturb me. My favorite color for the waters of a mountain lake is blue. So, while I love yellow bananas, I would definitely NOT like looking at, or swimming in, a mountain lake filled with yellow water.
To me the question of who my favorite child is, is similarly limiting, narrow, and unrealistic. Each of our children have unique characteristics, that we find endearing. We love and appreciate those unique characteristics that in part make them who they are. To me it is a reflection of the culture of envy that would motivate someone to try and force a competition between those characteristics. It would be like asking, “do you like a yellow banana or a blue lake most? To me such questions are simply ridiculous.
Favored vs Favorite
Now the presence of those unique characteristics can lead to the concept of being favored. For example, if one of our children had a perfect mind for numbers and budgeting, a clear view of all financial matters, as parents we might favor that child as a choice to be the executor of our will, or administrator of a trust. However, that favoring would NOT make them our favorite child, nor indicate a lesser love for, or valuation of, the others.
I believe that is how God works. Mary was highly favored and chosen of God to be the mortal mother of the messiah. Her favored status was a reflection of her character and characteristics. That favor did not mean that God valued her more than her cousin Elizabeth, the mother of John the Baptist. They were both cherished, loved, and hallowed. They simply had different missions based on their characteristics. They were favored to fill their sacred roles because of who and what they were, and how they had chosen to live their lives.
Looking down from His cross, Jesus commended his mother the care of John. Yet Peter was the senior apostle chosen to lead the 12 and the church. To claim that Jesus’s favorite disciple was John because he trusted Mary to John’s care, or that it was Peter because he was chosen to lead the church, would both be wrong. Jesus did not have a favorite, he favored his followers, cared for them the same, but assigned missions to them according to their talents and abilities. Only the culture of envy would persuade a reader of John’s Gospel, to believe that because John was self-described as the “disciple whom Jesus Loved” that such a title somehow means the others were not loved or loved less.
The Prodigal’s Brother
As the faithful brother brooded outside the homecoming party his father had organized for the prodigal, it seems clear from the record that envy was plaguing his thoughts. It seemed to him that his father clearly had a favorite, which he liked so much better ...that in spite of the hurt and pain the prodigal had caused his family, the father still gave the him gifts the faithful son had never received.
The wise father recognized the misguided and envy-based attitude of his faithful son and tried to dispel those erroneous thoughts with the truth that he was loved, had been favored, and would receive all that the father had. The prodigal was receiving what he needed at the time, and just because a wise father ministered to that son who was in need, did not mean the other son was less loved or less important. Sadly, the false dichotomy that had blinded the faithful son, remains prevalent in our envy-based society.
Similarly, the shepherd who leaves the 99 to search out the lost lamb, is necessarily focused on the mission, but his intense focus on the wandering lamb, who clearly needs that attention, is not an indication that the good shepherd somehow loves the 99 less.
Because it needs it most
Perhaps it was envy that caused Scrooge, (from A Christmas Carol) to wonder why the mixture that emanated from the torch of the Ghost of Christmas Present blessed a poor meal more than other meals. After all, shouldn’t’ a Ghost of Christmas be fair, and treat all meals equally? Was his action somehow an indication of favoritism?
Scrooge asked: “Why a poor one most?”
I love the spirit’s quick reply and powerful answer, dispelling envy and clearing up Scrooges misunderstanding.
Answered the Ghost: “Because it needs it most”
I’ve noted that the fact that sometimes perceptions of favoritism can lead children to misjudge their value, or their parent’s love, has caused some parents to go to great lengths to treat each child exactly the same, without regard to real need. In that way one of the outgrowths of the culture of envy can become the unwise, misallocation of resources.
How wonderful it is when children are secure enough in the love of their parents, that they rejoice at the allocation of resources where they are most needed, rather than assigning value based purely by the amount or type.
For example, if I am doing fine financially, and not in need of any outside assistance, I should rejoice if my parents spend thousands of dollars to help a struggling sibling. It would be a jealous and envious spirit that would cause me to begin to tally the amounts and to judge my value based on those amounts, or to assign my position in my parents' hearts based on that worldly metric. The same holds true for other resources. Loving parents may spend much more time and energy and prayer focused on one child above the others simply because, in their perspective, that child "needs it most."
As love grows deeper and it moves toward the end state of being purely unconditional, concepts of envy, jealousy, and preoccupation with fairness, melt away, and we find ourselves rejoicing to see the favors that others have received. Because we are secure in the knowledge that God loves us, we can easily be filled with love and desires for blessing to be bestowed on others. We no longer compare every allocation of Godly resources and blessings to others, with what we have received. We simply rejoice and glory in the fact that others are being blessed.
Perhaps my issue with the concept of “favorite” is the propensity of some to make it universally apply to signify that others are less valued, or less loved over all. Perhaps it is because it seems to me that any inquiry into the issue of who one’s favorite is, seems to flow from the self preoccupation of the inquirer. Whatever the reason, I have seen that as we become filled with charity, the need or desire to explore concepts of favoritism, are replaced by the simple, secure, and satisfying recognition of all-encompassing love.